The mind is an amazingly complex network. So many thoughts, memories, fathomings and ideas all interconnected. Tightly woven into a web such that it could probably hold water. And for a point of that net to be irreparably scarred by the loss of a loved one causes a chain reaction, your whole mind becomes affected.

My mourning has been extremely private. And to many, probably mostly unseeable. I am a strong man, emotionally I come to terms with the situation I am faced and I accept it as reality. I remember when I was a child and I lost my friend George. At that age I went through all the phases of mourning. I rejected it as reality. I got angry. I tried to reason with God. I went through all the phases and entered a deep depression. It was only when a family from church invited me to go with them to Disney one day that I came out of it.

I won’t relive the details of the day of George’s passing, but I do vividly recall the parents calling me and my younger sister into their room, sitting us down and telling us that George had died. I can’t begin to comprehend how difficult and how painful that was for them to do. I mean, who thinks that one day they’ll tell their 10 year old son that his best friend died? It’s an unthinkable event and to consider it seems unthinkable.

I believe that from that young experience with the mourning process I came to a deeper understanding of it. And that had a profound influence on me and a deep hand on influencing how I handled my mother’s passing.

On the day, my dad asked everyone who was present, family or close friend, whether the believed it was time to take her off life support and I remember a very unusual feeling of calm as I told him that I felt it was time. Something I said in the blog post on my mom’s blog was that we (she and family) had agreed to fight to the end, but not past it. And it was unanimously agreed that we had reached that point. So when the time came, while I was for it, I could not go in to watch it. I couldn’t have handled that.

In the weeks after, I drew strength from the need around me. Those who know me know all to well that I am often driven to be the strength for others. A trait my mother always loved about me and told me so in no uncertain terms. So for the weeks afterward I buried myself in the life around me. I helped anchor my father through this time, I did my best to keep in touch with family, and I threw myself back into work and school before most people ever expected me to return.

You can’t predict the rough days, there’s no forecasting it. Something will happen or some memory will trigger it and suddenly I’ll be in a downward spiral. I’ll miss her. I’ll again realize that I’ll never again hug her, or smile at her, or see her. She won’t be there when I accomplish something. She won’t be there for my wedding. She won’t hold my first child. She won’t share in the joy. Those are the hardest things to accept.

I’ve been reminded numerous times that she never leaves me, she’s always there for me in the ethereal sense. But to be blunt, that isn’t the physical sense. There was no greater peace than hugging my mom. Not backpacking. Not anything.

I have always, in no uncertain terms, noted my status as a ‘mama’s boy’ and I hold to it. While this all has brought me closer to my dad, I still miss my mom. I miss her so much.

Something which was unsettling for a while was the fact that I haven’t cried since mom’s memorial service. I’ve welled up and I’ve gotten emotional, there have been a few days where it has been too much for me and were it not for my friends and family I would have crumbled on those days. But I haven’t shed a tear for her memory. I don’t say this with pride, I wish I could cry for her. It’s something which made me extremely uncomfortable.

The fact that I didn’t randomly cry or didn’t go through the phases of mourning caused me a lot of discomfort. I thought there was something wrong with me. It caused me to wonder stupid things like if I loved her so much, why hadn’t her passing tore me apart? And only in the past few weeks did I realize that it did not tear me apart because she raised me to handle this sort of thing. She raised me to be strong and resilient and to be able to handle just about anything.

I keep things around. I have the program from her memorial service on my wall. I wear the silver necklace that I’ve always mentally attached to her. I drive her car and I keep an angel pin pinned to the ceiling. But even without those things I keep her in me.

Friends assure me that it will become easier with time, and I know they are right, but for now I continue on as I always have. To most I am the same. To the trusted few, they see me at my weakest.

Scrybe popped up in October of last year and immediately I signed up to be on their beta test list. I was using 30boxes.com at the time and with this semester of school I moved mostly to a analog hardcopy calendar which I could keep in my pocket. Scrybe looks exciting for several reasons and I’m very very excited to be able to explore their exciting possibilities.

Once I review the limits of what I can and can’t say as a beta tester, I may or may not post back with more details

So my desktop is still running warm but I’ve got Ubuntu on it and let me just tell you all that Ubuntu’s latest release is leaps and bounds above what it was the last time I used it (approx. 2 years ago.) I haven’t booted into Windows in nearly a week and I’m still able to do just about everything I need to (there are a few small things I haven’t had time to address.) The time is near when I’ll drop Windows in favor of Ubuntu.

I’m in the midst of my finals. I’ve rocked the first two. Tomorrow will be the only one I’m worried about, and as soon as I finish this post I’ll be settling in to study for a while. Macroeconomics. Ugh. Where’s that rusty knife….

The Orlando Magic are in the first round against the Detroit Pistons and we’re not…. doing so well. We had a watch party at Smokey Bones last night, it was fun. I got blue hair. And a free dinner. And I of course got paid to be there, so that’s a bonus too.

My waist continues to shrink. I can now slide my normal jeans off without unbuttoning the waist. It seems it’s time for a new pair. Dad is really getting into working out at the gym, which is great to see. Last week we had a humorous moment where we both emerged from our rooms dressed for the gym and met in the hall where we asked simultaneously “You ready?” It’s good.

Now, back to Macroecon and the rusty knife…

“You must begin to think of yourself as becoming the person you want to be.”

David Viscott

So my desktop at home took a hard crash this morning. Just up and turned itself off while I was watching “The Totally Rad Show.” Well, I was watching the show, and defragging, and downloading and and and and and. So… guess I was pushing it kind of hard. I think it overheated and just cut out. I wasn’t monitoring CPU temp at the time so I can’t be sure. I began watching it again when I turned it back on. It looks as if normal running temp is around 170°F currently. Which according to my knowledge is a fine temperature.

Sadly the computer problems and studying for school have left me strapped for time so I have had to delay the release of this week’s episode of Geekure. It’ll be out tomorrow or Sunday most likely.

Also probably tonight or tomorrow I’ll be installing the latest Ubuntu “Feisty Fawn” to get back into it. I had it on there for a while. Took it off when I took a job which required me to program in the Windows environment, which I no longer have. But with the latest release it seems like a good time to get back in there. This feeling is furthered even more by the realization that Microsoft is working hard for their “Evil Empire” merit badge with the thread of stopping supply for Windows XP in 2008.

I left the computer humming in the corner as it happily defragged my hard drives. My C drive was horribly fragmented and in dire need of a thorough cleaning. If Ubuntu proves to be able to handle my day to day uses I may go sole boot to Ubuntu and get rid of Windows all together, entering into the house that Mark built.

We’ll see though.

This episode features Brian, Patrick & Stephen. The cast talks about Drive, Virginia Tech, crazy sci-fi writers who hate the Internet, Edward Norton as The Hulk, Patrick breaking The Hulk’s zipper and how sci-fi folks can support our friends in the military.

Read the rest of the post for show notes … (more…)

On my home last night I realized that today is 1 month after mom died. The past month is mostly a blur, I remember it, but it is hard to believe that I haven’t spoken with her for over a month. I miss her.

It began to hit me last night. I went to see “Meet the Robinsons” in 3D. The movie was very cute and funny, though it didn’t really gain anything from 3D. The movie focuses on a young orphan who is abandoned by his mom, I won’t go into it any further to avoid spoiling it for others - but it began to gently bother me and I couldn’t watch the movie without images and memories of mom floating through my head.

The drive home I sat in quiet contemplation. It was then that I realized what today marked and it all weighed on me. I had come off of such a good day. My improv class, the Orlando Magic winning, and hanging out with friends, but mom’s passing really weighed on me and cast a shadow over it all.

My mind is all over the place today. It’s focusing on mom, on school, on SAK, on the podcasts. I can’t focus on anything right now.

I’m dead set on getting to Chicago in July, it’s just a question of when exactly and for how long. I was toying around with airfares and discovered I could extend my trip by three days, shift my arrival date, and end up cutting the airfare in half. HALF! I mean that’s crazy, but it’s part of that wacky game of airfare pricing.

The goal for this week is to decide on and book airfare. Locking me in for a great trip.

It’s going to be a lot of fun. I’m planning it the way I like to have trips. I have a guideline of things to do but I’ll also have a lot of free time to just explore or hang out or get into trouble.