My Kryptonite

It’s not a secret, and yet when it comes up I am met with any variety between shock and amusement. It’s true: I don’t watch scary movies. Almost ever. I walked out on the Scream movies. I avoid haunted houses. And generally I find no desire to see what I’m missing.

blair witch project
Creative Commons License photo credit: DanielaNob

Why? Simple. I can’t find any enjoyment in being scared. I don’t like being scared in real life so why would I want to put myself into a situation designed to scare me? Further more, I have an active and imaginative mind, and scary movies stay with me. I go home and I see things in the shadows. I hear things in the night. And I see them when I close my eyes. And it all comes back to fear.

In the end, I face the fear, logic my way through it and come out clean on the other side. This is how I deal with fear. Face it. Address it. Progress past it.

Sort of like a super hero. You know. Christian Bale, as Batman, faces the bears in the cave to eventually become the superhero we love. Superman has to face his ultra-rare Kryptonite weakness nearly every week. Blade faces his vampire desires in every movie, reminding himself of his origin. They all have a weakness that they are forced to face.

Creative Commons License photo credit: donbuciak

I’m… well I’m not a super hero. But I do have a consistent shortcoming. And it is nothing new, it is my arch-nemesis with whom I have battled countless times: time management. From my school days, to my professional life and on into my personal life; each are rife with examples where this has been a major problem for me.

During college, when my grades were on the chopping block I had multiple mirror chats, face to face with myself, growling out drill sergeant style curses and disparaging remarks designed to motivate me into getting my ass in gear. And each time, I get going, get on top, decide I’m too awesome, and proceed to stop trying so hard. And so, just like our caped crusaders, my weakness rears its ugly head and reminds my readers that I am not an infallible deity, but instead a common man seeking and striving to be something more.

Meanwhile, in the hall of justice…

So here I am again, reminded of a major shortcoming in myself, and this time this blog is my mirror where I stare myself square in the face and question what I need to do to change my behaviors to avoid having yet another of these chats.

And then I go into the deeper understanding mode, looking to find my motivation. What will drive me to make these changes? Not frustration, frustration arises from the inability to instill the desired change. Not joy, clearly I’m not happy – happiness is the antithesis of change. Only when we become thoroughly dissatisfied with our current condition will change happen. Dissatisfaction! Yes that’s it! I am dissatisfied. I seek to be better than I am. Always looking to come out one iota better than I was going in. And then to grab onto that improvement and embody it. Make it not a coat I wear but a piece of the internal machinery.

But most importantly, I realize that my changes are not driven by fear. I am who I am, no matter how I act. And so I advance beyond the fear and step past it into daylight and begin the steps further into the future.

Green Street
Creative Commons License photo credit: James Bowe